Category: Men jokes

Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like bike helmets. They are handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like placemats. They only show up when there’s food on the table.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you.” They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “you just happened to catch my eye.”

Men don’t get lost; they discover alternative destinations.

Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.

Q: What do you call a man who marries an old, ugly and poor woman? A: Desperate!

This man says to his friend,” I stopped driving 10 years ago. Now my wife drives and I just sit there and hold the wheel.”

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn’t have to worry about a will. He said, “Will, what will? I’m making a list of people I’m gonna bite.”