Be Funny

Army Retirement

admin — Sat, 02 May 2009 14:30:12 +0000

The Pentagon recently found it had too many Generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any General who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured, in a straight line along the retiring general’s body, between two points he chose.

The first General accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second General asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first General had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, “”From the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles.”" The pension man said that would be fine, but he’d better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the General to drop ‘em and he did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the General’s penis and began to work back. “”My God!”" He said, “”Where are your testicles?”" The General replied, “”Back in Vietnam.”"

You Know You’re Vietnamese If

admin — Fri, 01 May 2009 13:30:12 +0000

1. You look older than you really are.
2. You’re racist.
3. Your parents are scared of anyone that is black.
4. Your parents dog on Mexicans and Blacks
5. You know you’re superior to other Asians.
6. Your parents think you’re 12 when you’re really 18.
7. When you go out to buy clothes you have to buy them 3 sizes too big for you to grow in and for any younger brother or sister to have for Christmas a few years down the line.
8. At least one of your parents are in a self owned business like Laundromat, Nails, or Apartments. If they own apartments they rent only to Asian families…never blacks.
9. Guys: you sit on your butt all day.
10. Girls: you do everything while your man sits on his butt.
11. Guys: you have a nice variety of white and black shirts, blue and black jeans and slacks.
12. You cuss out anyone in Vietnamese that gets you pissed off.
13. Your parents think you’re the worst kid.
14. Your parents compare you to 4.5 nerds and call you stupid.
15. You watch Vietnamese translated movies that are 30 tapes long.
16. You listen to New-wave, Techno, Rap, Slowjams, and/or Euro dance.
17. You show your Viet-pride to the fullest.
18. You go to Little Saigon once in a while or every weekend or everyday!
19. While you are in Little Saigon, you always go to Phuoc Loc Tho where you head straight into that Asian Collection music store.
20. You always take American friends to go to Bo 7 Mon (Seven courses of Beef) to amaze them with Vietnamese foods.
21. There’s Chinese in your family line somewhere.
22. You live in the valley (SFV), O.C., or somewhere in the East.
23. You get along with other Vietnamese even though they are total F.O.B.’s.
24. You’re down for your crap.
25. You’re loyal to ALL your friends.
26. You don’t own an American car.
27. Girls: You hate all F.O.B.’s that go “”Hey, babee, you cute. Can I hab yo fone numba?”"
28. Guys: You enjoy getting slapped by the girls you try to mack on. Hey, at least she touched you.
29. You are the bomb at pool.
30. You like to wear Nike, Adidas, Tommy, or Nautica. If you’re an F.O.B., you wear Calvin Klein and Guess.
31. You are always updated with the Asian style.
32. Guys: You either have high spikes or slicked small bangs combed back.
33. You highlight your hair.
34. You buy Levi’s 501s and you slit the sides.
35. You played the piano once in your life.
36. You take 2 or more showers a day.
37. Your parents always boast about you to all the other Vietnamese parents, or your parents totally dogg on how stupid you are to other Vietnamese parents.
38. After you come from the beach with a tan, they say that you look Cambodian.
39. No matter what you are, people think your Chinese or Korean.
40. Anybody will ask you to say something in Vietnamese. After you told them hello and how are you doing in Vietnamese, they ask about the cuss words.
41. Your parents can only help you with the math assignments and no other subjects.
42. You like Durian.
43. When you get detention or demerits from school, your parents think that you are a rebel.
44. When your parents see that you get bad grades, they start lecturing about how they went through hell in school in Vietnam. They would say that they would have gotten whooped in the butt.
45. Your parents always compare Vietnam and America.
46. When you are feeling ill, your parents think you’re on drugs.
47. Your parents have the whole collection of Paris By Night.
48. Your parents always criticize you, criticize others, and criticize each other.
49. Guys: You love Acura Integras and 4-Runners.
50. Your parents want you to be better than everyone else.
51. Guys: you, one time in your life, had the regulation bowl cut.
52. You ate 4 bowls of rice, then five minutes after, your parents ask you if you want to eat 4 more bowls.
53. Your aunts always have a fro hair cut.
54. Your parents always compare you to those big buff white peeps.
55. In your house, there’s always multiple pictures of your family and you when you were small, side by side in every room.
56. You have the last name or are related to someone who has the last name: Nguyen.
57. Guys: You only go for only cute Asian girls.
58. Girls: You went out with or liked someone named Minh.
59. Your dad wears glasses and always has the good ol’ hair combed to the side.
60. You only buy products made in Japan.
61. Your parents always remind you to greet every older person in Vietnamese if they’re Vietnamese.
62. You always have pounds of rice around the house.
63. Your parents hate pets except for harmless, CHEAP goldfishes.
64. Your parents are attracted to the English words of: “”99 cents”" or “”FREE.”"
65. You collect all the coupons you can find.
66. Your grandparents always give you money.
67. Your parents know how to make Pho.
68. You’re taller than your parents.
69. You have a computer.
70. Your parents only watch TV when the Little Saigon Television is on.
71. You put Soy Sauce or nuoc mam on every food .
72. You enjoy Karaoke and/or you have the machine at home.
73. You can’t date until you’re 60.
74. Your parents make you get married with only Vietnamese people.
75. You like playing volleyball.
76. You use your dishwasher to store clean dishes.
77. Your parents use the “”Eagle”" brand oil for every type of sickness.
78. You use the Eagle Oil.
79. You know where all of the Vietnamese restaurants in town are.
80. You, your little brother, your older brother, and your older brother’s friend sleep together in the same bed.
81. Your family own a copy of “”Paris By Night”".
82. Your parents always buy Japanese automobiles.
83. Your parents listen to the news from Vietnamese radio station either at home or in their car.
84. Your parents always want to do business with Vietnamese only.
85. Your parents want you to marry an educated person.
86. Your father or brother goes to the casino every week or month.

Yankee & Vietnamese

admin — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 12:30:12 +0000

On a flight from Saigon to Los Angeles, an American sat beside a Vietnamese. American asked Vietnamese, “”What kind of “”ese”" are you?

“”Excuse me?”"

“”What kind of “”ese”" are you?”"

“”Excuse me, I don’t understand what you meant.”"

“”Stupid! Are you Vietnamese, Chinese or Japanese?”"

“”Oh! I am a Vietnamese.”"

After 2 hours. Vietnamese asked American: “”What kind of “”kee”" are you?

“”What? What do you mean by key?”"

“”Are you monkey, donkey or Yankee.”"

Worthless Son In Law

admin — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 11:30:12 +0000

“”I can’t believe my terrible fate,”" cried Cu Teo. When his friends asked what was the matter, he replied “”My daughter has gone off and married that loser who doesn’t know how to drink or gamble.”"

“”Then what’s the problem?”" they asked. “”You should be glad that your son-in-law doesn’t drink or gamble.”"

“”Who said he doesn’t drink or gamble? He does both. I said he doesn’t know how to do either one properly.”"

Vietnam Vet

admin — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 10:30:12 +0000

A man was being interviewed for a job.

“”Were you in the service?”" asked the interviewer.

“”Yes, I was a Marine,”" responded the applicant.

“”Did you see any active duty?”"

“”I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”"

“”May I ask what happened?”"

“”Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”"

“”You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”"

The somewhat surprised applicant asked, “”When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”"

“”Everyone else starts at 7 o’clock, but I should be honest with you,”" explained the interviewer. “”Nothing gets done before 10 o’clock because we just sit and scratch our balls trying to decide what to do first.”"

Vietnamese Tradition

admin — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 09:30:12 +0000

A soldier in Vietnam saw a local man coming down the road with his wife behind him with a bicycle loaded with all their worldly possessions. The soldier asked him why he carried nothing but a cigarette and his wife had to push the bicycle alone. The man replied, “”TRADITION”".

Two weeks later he saw the same local man on the same road but this time she was in front and he was pushing the loaded bicycle. The soldier asked him what happened to TRADITION and the man said “”LAND MINES”"

Vietnamese Convertible Joke

admin — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 08:30:12 +0000

Vietnamese Convertible Joke

By: asianjoke.com

This ethnic fellow Vietnamese buys a convertible one day from a local car dealer. Later the same night, the car dealer receives a phone call.

“”Excuse me, but do you happen to have an extra set of keys for my new car? I seem to have locked mine in.”"

“”Yeah, sure. Where are you?”"

“”Corner of Main and King.”"

“”Okay. I’ll be over in about half an hour.”"

“”No, no! You have to come over right now!”"

“”Why?”"

“”‘Cause I left the roof down and it’s starting to rain!!”"

Vietnam

admin — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 07:30:12 +0000

This guy went into the bar Friday night and ordered three beers, in fact every Friday night he went into the bar and ordered three beers and drank them all by himself. Three beers…every Friday night. Not 2. Never 4. Always 3.

Well, the bartender couldn’
t figure this out. Without fail this guy came in.

The bartender finally said to the guy, “”Every Friday night you come in here and have three beers. There must be a story to this. You never order 2 beers, or 4 beers, always 3.”"

The guy said, “”Yes there is a story. You see, me and my two buddies always went out for a beer on Friday night when we were in Vietnam.

One night while we were drinking we decided that we could continue doing this when we returned to the States. We also decided if one of us didn’t make it the other two would drink the third one’s beer. And if two didn’t make it, the third guy would drink the other two beers. The other two didn’t make it back so I’m drinking theirs.”" The bartender felt bad.

Well, the next Friday night the guy came back into the bar as usual but only ordered two beers. The bartender couldn’t believe it. Friday after Friday this guy now ordered only two drinks. This went on for some time and the bartender was so puzzled he just had to ask the guy about it.

The bartender said to him, “”I notice you have only been ordering two beers for the last few weeks. There has to be a story here.”"

The guy said, “”Yes indeed there is a story. You see I joined the Mormon church and I can’t drink beer any more.”"

The Moral of the Story is:

admin — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 06:30:12 +0000

One day at the end of class little Billy’s teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story….

The next day Billy tells his story….

“”My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands”"

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story….Billy replies, “”Yeah… don’t mess with my dad when he’s been drinking

So What Are You Smuggling?

admin — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 05:30:12 +0000

Tuan comes up to the border between Vietnam and China on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “”What’s in the bags?”"

“”Rice,”" answered Tuan.

The guard says, “”We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.”" The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but rice. He detains Tuan overnight and has the rice analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure rice in the bags The guard releases Tuan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “”What have you got?”"

“”Rice,”" says Tuan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but rice. He gives the sand back to Tuan, and Tuan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Tuan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a noodles restaurant in Vietnam.

“”Hey, Buddy,”" says the guard, “”I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”"

Tuan sips his beer and says, “”Bicycles.”"